Sunday, February 12, 2017
I have been emotionally off the last week or so. It all started last Friday when I got a call from Chloe's teacher letting me know that Chloe wrote a prayer request asking for prayer for her mom who was pregnant. At first I thought my disappointment and anger was because she had made up something that was not true, but the real reason for my anger came out as I was talking to Chloe about lying and tears flowed as I told Chloe how hurtful that was to me. I would never be pregnant. I was surprised at how much this affected me because Chloe is obsessed with pregnant people and we have similar conversations about this topic (not the actual process 😊 ). The other night I got on FB and I saw that a link was shared about a house in TN that had just been placed on the market. I recognized right away that it was our house from TN. I flipped through the pictures and a sadness came flooding over me. It didn't make sense. It might be natural response to feel a little sad looking at the place you brought your girls home to. It might make you feel nostalgic, but a sense of great loss took over my heart. Looking at the yard my kids played in, the door frame in the kitchen that Samuel used to climb up like a monkey, the fireplace that we took almost all of their pictures in front of prompted an unexpected sadness. I woke up yesterday morning with a migraine. I have had migraines before, but yesterday I couldn't shake a feeling that I can only describe as depression. At one point in the day Jeremy asked if I was okay, not are you feeling okay, are you okay. I couldn't put my finger on what had triggered this change in my mood. Then I looked at the calendar and it all made sense, tomorrow was February 12th.
February 12th is not an easy day for me. Actually, it might be the hardest day of the year for me. I usually dread when February 1st rolls around because I know that the 12th and the weeks to follow are not easy ones to walk through. I have done a lot of emotional healing this year, so maybe that is why I hadn't given one thought to this day approaching. Somehow my spirit and my body still remembered. It sounds strange even writing that, because is that even possible? I guess it's hard to completely forget the day that you died. Not physically of course, but the day that who you had been up to that day no longer existed. Kimberly Douglas (Riggs), from small town Illinois, daughter of Kelly and Karen Douglas, sister of Kevin and Kristy, newly wife of Jeremy Riggs was emotionally, mentally, spiritually gone.
You see, the previous April I would hear my doctor tell me that I had endometrial (uterine) cancer. I would endure 9 months of tests, doctors, chemicals in my body, and a biopsy every three months. The week before February 12th I would have my third and final biopsy. The doctor was hopeful, we were hopeful. I lived through nine months of trusting and believing, even on the hard days trusting God was going to make everything okay. So there we sat in my doctor's office on February 12th, 2004 and he told me that the cancer was not being effected by the treatments. There was nothing outside of surgery that he could do. I was to go home and come back the next week to schedule my hysterectomy. Jeremy and I walked outside and I collapsed in his arms and for the first time in my life I felt like God has abandoned me. Only by God's love and mercy did He raise me back to life from this day.
13 years have gone by since that day. It feels like yesterday. There will be nights over the next few weeks that I will cry out to God to remind me of His love and plan. I will continue to ask questions and He will continue to answer. Last night it involved me once again questioning why He allows woman who mistreat their children or living in sin, or those who will only kill their babies to get pregnant. He reminded me that it's not my business what He is doing in their lives. He is writing my story and I was the one that had the qualifications to be the mother to three children from Korea. He chose me for this assignment because I would bring Him glory. I would question His plan and wonder why I was stuck carrying all this baggage of anxiety and self doubt and on and on. He then stopped me right there pointing out that He has nothing to do with that, I am the one who keeps purchasing the suitcases. I pray that maybe next year this day will be a little bit easier. I will continue to ask Him to use my story. I pray that in my moments of selfishness that my heart is pointed back to the fact that my life is only about Jesus.
February 12th is not an easy day for me. Actually, it might be the hardest day of the year for me. I usually dread when February 1st rolls around because I know that the 12th and the weeks to follow are not easy ones to walk through. I have done a lot of emotional healing this year, so maybe that is why I hadn't given one thought to this day approaching. Somehow my spirit and my body still remembered. It sounds strange even writing that, because is that even possible? I guess it's hard to completely forget the day that you died. Not physically of course, but the day that who you had been up to that day no longer existed. Kimberly Douglas (Riggs), from small town Illinois, daughter of Kelly and Karen Douglas, sister of Kevin and Kristy, newly wife of Jeremy Riggs was emotionally, mentally, spiritually gone.
You see, the previous April I would hear my doctor tell me that I had endometrial (uterine) cancer. I would endure 9 months of tests, doctors, chemicals in my body, and a biopsy every three months. The week before February 12th I would have my third and final biopsy. The doctor was hopeful, we were hopeful. I lived through nine months of trusting and believing, even on the hard days trusting God was going to make everything okay. So there we sat in my doctor's office on February 12th, 2004 and he told me that the cancer was not being effected by the treatments. There was nothing outside of surgery that he could do. I was to go home and come back the next week to schedule my hysterectomy. Jeremy and I walked outside and I collapsed in his arms and for the first time in my life I felt like God has abandoned me. Only by God's love and mercy did He raise me back to life from this day.
13 years have gone by since that day. It feels like yesterday. There will be nights over the next few weeks that I will cry out to God to remind me of His love and plan. I will continue to ask questions and He will continue to answer. Last night it involved me once again questioning why He allows woman who mistreat their children or living in sin, or those who will only kill their babies to get pregnant. He reminded me that it's not my business what He is doing in their lives. He is writing my story and I was the one that had the qualifications to be the mother to three children from Korea. He chose me for this assignment because I would bring Him glory. I would question His plan and wonder why I was stuck carrying all this baggage of anxiety and self doubt and on and on. He then stopped me right there pointing out that He has nothing to do with that, I am the one who keeps purchasing the suitcases. I pray that maybe next year this day will be a little bit easier. I will continue to ask Him to use my story. I pray that in my moments of selfishness that my heart is pointed back to the fact that my life is only about Jesus.
Comments
Post a Comment