Wednesday, May 8, 2013

- May 08, 2013

I have purposely not blogged in the past few months. My life was swamped with, well, life, so I decided to take a break. Here is a quick recap of the last two months.

- Emma got lice.

- I joined a gym

- I registered for my first half marathon which will be in Chicago in July (hence my reason for joining the gym)

- Samuel got a back case of strep that lasted a week

- I finished and passed my algebra class (Thank you Jesus!)

- The dryer downstairs burned a hole right through Sam's pajama pants that prompted our landlord to finally fix the dryer. :)

- We went to my mom and dad's a few days during Spring Break

- Chloe lost her front tooth and looks like a little hillbilly :)

- Had dinner with some high school friends that I had not seen in 16 years!

- Got thrown up by Emma at 3 AM while Jeremy was in Nashville for the Music city Marathon.

- Took two of my four state testings to get my IL teaching license.

- We had our first Bible study in our home last night. We had three visitors.

These are just a few highlights of our last few months.

I have been buried in algebra and studying for these tests and I have been so stressed out. It was a huge relief to pass the algebra class! I took two tests last Saturday and I am not sure how I did on them. I am pretty confident that I passed the second test, but the first test covered things that I learned back in the 1996-1999's when I was in most of my education classes. I studied hours for this test, but it really did not cover what I had studied. It was also a test that every question had two answers that seemed almost identical. So I knew the concept but did not know which one they thought was "the best answer". I have two more at the end of the month and so studying has begun again. Through this whole class and tests I have been struggling so much with the fear of failure. Like, failure in general, not just in these things. Fear of failure has been a problem for me most of my life. I remember being in elementary school and being terrified that the teacher would call on me, even though I knew the answer. This fear followed me to high school and I even had a teacher keep me after class to talk to me about not adding to the discussion in class time. He knew I had good things to offer to the discussion, but I was too worried about saying something wrong that I just stayed quiet. At the end of elementary school (8th grade) and into high school it became clear that I was a good student. I made good grades and I was a good student. Making good grades became something tangible to me that said, "You are good at something. " I graduated from high school as Valedictorian and making good grades kind of defined me ( in my eyes at least) and that is what I took with me to college. I did great in college and only made one C in Dr. Pic's Theology class and I was actually thankful for the C because I was so lost the entire semester! I graduated With Honors from college (even though the Dean forgot to say it after he called my name!! Sorry to bring up old wounds) and I took great pride in my accomplishments.

Since 2005 I have taken several classes and each time I stressed out more than I should. I started teaching at PVCS in 2004 and I realized how much I loved being a teacher and to my surprise I was pretty good at my trade. I come alive when I am in a classroom with kids and my brain goes into crazy teacher mode and I feel like it is the most natural thing for me to do, teach kids. Although I am in the classroom this year it is in a different capacity and I do not get to do all the things I would normally do and it has been rough on me. But, my fear of failure as I finished this class and took these tests almost stopped me from doing what I love so much. I know that this fear is also what has had me in such a mess these past few months. I literally cried and had a panic attack before my algebra final. I cried most of the day on FRiday when I took a personal day to study for the two tests on Saturday. I guess I am afraid that not being able to pass these tests the first time discredits me as a good student and even worse, it means I am not a good teacher. As ridiculous as this may sound, that is my reality right now. After the first test on Saturday I had a few hours of down time downtown Chicago before my second test. I was reminded that I was facing my fear because I KNOW that God has a plan for me and I believe that it includes being back in the classroom as the lead teacher. I felt like God was telling me to finish these requirements because He was going to use me to reach kids and families in Chicago. I studied and did my best, but this is His work, not mine. If I do not pass the tests the first time it is not His timing. As hard as it is for me, I have to let go of my fear and trust.

Well, this is one of those posts that went in a direction that I was not planning. I guess this is what happens when I do not blog in two months :)

Here are a few pictures of the kids :)

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