Saturday, September 2, 2023

 

"I live with a difficult child. That is really hard to write, but the truth is that I have lived with a difficult child for about 14 years. The last few years have been unbearable at times." 

I haven't written a post in a long time. The main reason is that I don't have a personal computer (my work computer will not let me log in with my personal email) and I absolutely hate writing from my phone, but here I am needing to write,so I write. When I logged on this evening I found that I had started to write a post on May 23, 2022, but never finished it. We had just come off one of the most difficult years with Chloe. I could be found most nights just crying in my bathroom or screaming, "I can't live in this house with her anymore!" Her treatment towards me had escalated so intensely that I didn't even speak to her for several days and I was a little afraid of her. She had been making so many poor choices at home and we just tried to keep them hidden. It all came to blows when her poor choices were also happening at school. On the last day of school her 8th grade year we were made aware of what she had been doing and there was video of her doing it. 

I was done. I was done trying to protect her. I was done trying to make sense of this madness. Truthfully, I had almost convinced myself that I was done trying to have a relationship with her. 

We got her in quickly to a new pediatrician in TN to try to get some answers. The doctor did some screenings that she was able to do in her office and then put a referral in for us at a behavioral clinic. The wait time at that point was 2 years. I just didn't have any hope.

I came home and I just cried and the Lord spoke to me in a way I hadn't heard before.  He told me to be completely honest with Him about how I was feeling.  Don't sugar coat or try to mask the deep anger I have been holding for a long time. So, I let it all out. It wasn't pretty, but it was liberating. About a week later I took Emma to Camp Hope for a few days and the Lord did something amazing to my heart. I spent some time with Him and it became clear to me that I was the one who was going to need to change. Chloe wasn't going to change, I needed to shift my perspective.  I needed to surrender the expectations that I had created. It was only in my changing did our relationship start to change and improve.  

Chloe had a really good school year last year.  The best one yet, but there were still challenges. In May of this year I got a call from Vandy that they were ready to schedule an appointment for Chloe at the clinic. They told me that the first available appointment would not be until 2024. They were having trouble getting the calendar to load so they were needing to call me back. They called back that afternoon and told me they could see her August of this year 🙌🏻.

So two weeks ago we took Chloe for the appointment. We left with a diagnosis of autism.  It is what we suspected, but it was freeing to finally get the  diagnosis. There were many tears of relief those first few days, but the relief was quickly replaced with almost grief. It's weird.  We got the diagnosis but nothing really changes and that is a lot to process. We are thankful for the resources that are now available, but the fear and uncertainty still creep in. We are relieved that when the poor choices happen that we have a clear explanation,  but the poor choices still come.

Thank you to everyone that has prayed for Chloe and our family these past 15 years. We ask for continued prayers.