Wednesday, October 26, 2011- You are cordially invited...to my pity party

Okay. So life has been hard these past few weeks. Well, maybe not life in general, but I have been having a rough time. So, I am choosing to have myself a little pity party. If you would like to join me, keep reading. I do not talk much about my fibromyalgia. One, I do not like to complain and I feel like I am just a big complainer when I do talk about it. Two, the truth is that if you do not have it you cannot fully wrap your mind or sympathy around the pain I feel every day of my life. Over the past two years I really have learned to live with it. My husband and kids would see a glimpse of my pain, but I even tried to hide it from them. I really struggle with letting people know my own hurt and pain. Almost a year ago I was finally diagnosed and was able to get a mild relief from the intense pain. Of course the first few medicines work for a few months but then I was changed to a more powerful medicine. Well, about a month ago my pain has returned at full force. I was scheduled to go back to the doctor the first of September, but my appointment kept getting rescheduled on their end ( I will discuss my episode yesterday in a little bit) and I have just been feeling low. On top of the pain we took the trip to Oklahoma and then I was gone the next week to a teacher's clinic, then the next week Jeremy was gone for three days and we had a Fall Festival at school, and I am taking three classes, and I am teaching all day, and I have three kids, and we are trying to sell our house and making plans on moving our family to Chicago.... are you worn out yet? Well these past few weeks I have been fighting my own emotional and spiritual battle on top of the physical.

When I had cancer I somehow knew that I would not be going through that battle for the rest of my life. I knew in my heart that I would beat it and that something amazing was going to come out of the pain and heartache. Oh, I had my days of doubt and I could never foresee what was really going to come out of the ashes of my burnt up hopes and dreams, but I knew it was going to be amazing.  I knew that the treatments would end and my life would return to a new form of normal. It hit me last week that I would not get better, in fact I will only get worse. I will never wake up in the morning and feel good. I will always be in pain when it rains or when the weather changes. There is not one good thing that I can see that will come from all this pain. The truth is, it scares me. I am 33 years old and it is pain to get out of bed in the morning. When it rains I feel like a backpack of bricks have been placed on my back and I feel like an 80-year-old when I am at home. I am finishing up classes that I believe I will need to teach in Chicago public schools and I am not even sure how many more years I can physically teach.  I am usually really good at pushing through the tasks at hand, but these past few weeks I really just wanted to throw my hands and give up. Last week I had to take a day off because I was hurting so bad and I thought I would never have to do that. I tried to warn you that this was going to be pretty defeating.

Well, the weather warmed up and I was feeling in a little bit better and I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday. I leave school early and get the the office and the receptionist looks at me like I am crazy when I tell her who I am there to see because "she is not here today." She has the nerve to ask me "are you sure you have an appointment today?" She looks in her computer and sees that I do have an appointment and she she says "we tried to call you." I pull my phone out of my pocket and tell her that no one tried to call me and that I had my phone near me all day because I was expecting them to call and cancel again! I was in tears and I reluctantly agreed to see the nurse. When the nurse walked in the room I almost got up and left because she was the nurse that was so rude to us that time I took Sam in when his ears were hurting so bad. She ended up refilling one of my medicines and then hands me a sample of another medicine that is one sometimes advertised on TV. She gave me no instruction on the side effects or of I should stop taking the other. She was leaving the room and I say "Um, do I need to come back in a few weeks to see how the medicine is working?" Her response, " Oh, if you like it just give us a call and we will get you a prescription." Are you serious? I guess I will be looking for a new doctor soon.

Well, that is my whining session for today. Those that read to the end, thanks for attending my party. I would ask that you would pray for me. I know God has called us to Chicago but I really have been doubting my usefulness in any thing productive these days. I should not be surprised that Satan is after me because God is doing some amazing things in our family.

Here are a few pictures of the kids from the past few weeks.