Friday, October 28, 2011

I am doing much better today, but I am sorry to report that it got worse before it got better. Despite the rain yesterday I woke up and felt a little bit better. I attribute that to the many prayers that were said on behalf of me. I got to school and that really does cheer me up. I love my little class! I had my pity party and I was ready to move on. At lunch I was heating up some soup that I had made the night before and I took it out of the microwave and I am not sure what happened, but the next thing I knew I had soup all over the front of my shirt and red welts were beginning to form on my wrist where soup has burned me. One of the teachers came up behind me and thought I had spilled some on the floor but soon discovered that I had made a bigger mess of the soup and myself. I was shaking and trying with all my might not to burst into tears. I went into the bathroom, but it was obvious that I was going to go home and change. I was trying to process what had happened and it was like my hand just did not work. The bowl was in my hand, but it did not grasp hold of it. By the time I got to my van I was in tears. I was embarressed, angry, sad, frustrated, and hurt all at the same time. I knew Jeremy was on a field trip so I called my sister and just cried. I got home and changed and headed back to school. I pulled myself together and carried on the rest of my day. I had class last night and although I did not feel like going, I had the whole trip to and from Nashville by myself to spend with God. I know some may read this and kinda roll their eyes, but the Bible clearly states that we "wrestle not against flesh and bones, but principalities and the darkness of this world." Yes, I am talking about satan. I started thinking about when things started really to get rough for me and  something came to me.

A few years ago my family experienced the evils of this world and our family is short two members. When everything started to fall apart in the lives of the people I love so much I was scared because I knew that once Satan had destroyed their lives he would probably be coming after me next. The truth is, I think he started with me in 2004, but with the love and support of family and friends I was able to cling to Christ and His promises even through the darkest time in our lives. I know I have mentioned this before, but when I think about those days and weeks after my surgery I was in a dark place and the biggest danger was that I had everybody fooled. I think after I had let go of the anger and hate, I had found new freedom. So, I started thinking about what maybe has brought on this new wave attack.

Except for my salvation, I am not sure of how many steps of faith that I have taken when it was just God telling me to step out and I obeyed. I did not have any guidance, advice or opinions, I just listened to His voice and obeyed. Even in my salvation I know that the Holy Spirit is the one that convicts and makes known the need for a Savior, but I was only 7 years old and I did have the guidance of parents and church telling me that this was a necessary step to go to Heaven. My parents told me that I was going to FWBBC in Nashville for college so I went. I fell in love with the school and the leading of God kept me there but it was not that big of a step of faith since I loved the school and the people. When I started dating Jeremy I did not hear God saying. "Okay, he is the one!" After we started dating we were both led by God that we were to be married and spend our lives together. Cancer was not my choice. It changed my life forever, but it was the circumstances that led to adoption and a heart for orphans. I could go on and on... but I will not. I also hope this is making some sort of sense:)  

I truly believe that last December when I made the decision to go to Guatemala it was the first time in my life that without anybody's prompting I took a step of faith. Nobody personally asked me to go. Jeremy did not say "Hey, you might like to do that." God told me I needed to go so I said I would go. I know I mentioned that it was out of my comfort zone to go, but nothing about the trip was even close to my comfort zone! When I returned I did not feel this overwhelming life change and I was a bit confused. Rewind to a few months ago. The night I found out that sweet Karlita had died something in me changed. A change that I have never felt before. I could not even explain it to Jeremy. God stirred me into action and I started earnestly seeking what He has planned for me. That is when the attacks started. I know I can not prove any of this, but this is what I think is happening. The pain started back with great intensity and thoughts started to come to my mind that, "Who was I fooling? I could not make a difference, I can barely get out of bed in the morning." I started to doubt my ability. I worked through those thoughts and then Chloe started being crazy and stressing me out and the new thoughts, "You really want to adopt more kids? This child is driving you crazy!" and "How are you going to keep up with more kids." So, I vowed to love on her more. Cuddle with her more. Rock her in my arms some nights until she went to sleep. I tried harder and then the pain increased and simple tasks were not simple anymore and the next thing I know I am sitting in a cafeteria full of kids covered with soup and a complete feeling of defeat.

So, last night on my drive to Nashville I laid everything down. My pain, fear, feeling of uselessness, failures, anger, discontented, worries, discouragement... and the list goes on. I know that this is not the end of the war, but I can still hear my dad's catch phrasewhen we were  growing up "The bigger the battle, the bigger the victory!" I am claiming my victory! I fell asleep last night to a song off of Steven Curtis Chapmans album called  "Long Way Home," here are the lyrics.

I set out on a great adventure
The day my father started calling me home
He said there gonna be some mountains to climb
And some valleys we're gonna go thorough
But I had no way of knowing
Just how hard this journey could be
Cause the mountains are steeper and the valleys are deeper
Than I ever would of dream

But I know we're gonna make it
And I know we're gonna get there soon
And I know some times it seems like we……
Doing the wrong way
But it's just a long way home

Some rocks in my shoes fears I wish I could lose
They make the mountain so hard to climb
And my heart gets so heavy
With the weight of the world some times
And there's a bag of regrets
I should have been and not gets
I keep on dragging around
And I can hardly can wait till the day I could lay them all dawn
Well I know that day is coming
And I know it's gonna be here soon
And I know I won't turn back even if the whole world
Says I'm doing the wrong way
Cause it's just a long way home

And when we can't take another step
The father will pick us up and carry us in his arms
And even on the best days
He says to remember we're not home yet
So don't get too comfortable
Cause what you really are is just pilgrims passing through

Well I know that day is coming
And I know it's gonna be here soon
I'll keep on singing and believing
What all of my songs say
Cause our God has made a promise
And I know that everything he says it's true
And he promised he would never ever leave us
He's gonna lead us, He'll head us home
Every single step of the long way home
So keep on we're gonna make it
We're just taking the long way home
Keep on we're gonna make it
I know we're gonna make it
It's just a long way home

Here are three of my four reasons for pushing through these trial I have been experincing. I also forgot to mention that with all the other issues I have dealing with I have also been sporting a lovely fever blister all week. I would not normally post a picture of myself with that ugly thing on my lip and you may notice that by the third picture smiling was a difficult task and the blister split open (maybe a little symbolic of my life:), but it is a step for me to not focus on the ugly of the picture, but the beauty.





 

Comments

  1. Kim,
    Again you leave me overwhelmed with emotion. I almost wrote something relating to some of the comments you've made in this post when I commented on your previous post....but I decided not to do so....I even copied and pasted my "other" comments into a notepad file for "down the road" if the "timing was right"....I read through your story, and I am so convinced that the enemy would attempt to derail you in any way he could---He knows God has big plans for you and your family. You are beautiful inside AND out....a former pastor with whom I had the blessing to be able to visit during my recent trip to Ohio wrote me a letter following the trip. He opened the letter with the words "Dear Precious Wonderful Joyce"....the instant my eyes read these words they welled up with tears....I instantly felt as though the Lord were whispering, "Joyce, this is how I see you...you ARE precious and wonderful to Me."....talk about being overwhelmed with/by emotion....even now as I type this I cry....I know you "know" that He sees you as His precious, wonderful Kim, yet I thought it might warm your heart to be reminded of this.....you are His precious jewel, His priceless treasure. I want you to know that your words touch me. I care for you so very much, and I'm thankful that God introduced you into my life by allowing Abigail to be your student all those years ago.

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