Monday, February 3, 2025

 Oh, hey. Just dropping in to unload the million thoughts going on in my head. I know it's been awhile and once again I am writing this from my phone, so please excuse any mistakes. I am wearing my reading glasses since the last time I posted so maybe writing from my phone won't be as bad as it usually is.  

I'm a little bit of a mess these days and I am entering the time of the year that is the hardest on me emotionally,  mentally,  and spiritually. These next few months are filled with dates that broke me. There are dates the next few months that take me back to the darkest days I have experienced.  I enter this fight with the demons that seemed to have attached themselves to me 22 years ago. Praise Jesus, He gave me victory from those demons, but this time of year they like to rear their ugly heads and I struggle. Cancer gave me so many wonderful people and experiences that would not be part of who I am now. But cancer and the trauma that  followed took the one thing that continues to cripple me some days, my lack of security.  Security in myself.  I struggle with not feeling good enough or thoughts of "am I doing too much or too little".  I am always second guessing myself and trust me if I've done something I wasn't supposed to I know it before you have to tell me. Security in the future. I go into survival mode when something comes up,  especially if there is a health issue or money involved.  I spiral into a million different scenarios and try to come up with a solution for each one. It's exhausting and I really do try to leave it at the feet of Jesus. I really,  really do. 

I'm not going to go into too much detail,  but we've been in a fight with our HOA about a large tree limb (doesn't belong to us) that fell on a part of the fence that is on their land but connected to our fence. They originally took responsibility for it, but after they got an estimate they changed their mind and said it was our fence. A lot of back and forth and a lot of anxiety for me. Well, this past week we got a letter from their lawyer saying we had 30 days to get it fixed and then threatened several costly consequences if it wasn't fixed. Panic took over me. Thursday night after the meeting there was a resolution.  I'm not going to share those details, but we will be fixing the fence but it's not as bad as it sounds. I then got really angry because it feels like they won. But God.  The message in church yesterday hit me hard as the pastor spoke about the calling on our life and the things that happen to us and situations we find ourselves in is all a part of our story. It doesn't matter who the winner or loser is, it's about Jesus stepping into the broken places in our lives and restoring them, whether it's a cancer diagnosis or a broken fence. The Lord has stepped in every single time. He steps into my panic and my spiral and He reminds me of His faithfulness throughout my entire life. But He isn't hard on me like I am on myself.  He simply reaches out His hand and tells me to trust Him. Nothing passes through His hand without His knowledge and permission.  He is bigger than cancer, a fence that needs to be fixed ASAP, and He's bigger than an HOA. I will close this incredibly long rant with a verse that I have repeated over and over again today and a song lyric that has just really been speaking to me. Maybe someone reading this also needs the reminder. Please continue to pray for my husband because I'm  driving him crazy over this😅

"Spirit of the living God

Spirit of the living God

We want to know You more and more

We're hanging on every word

'Cause when You speak, and when You move

When You do what only You can do

It changes us

It changes what we see and what we seek

When You come in the room

When You do what only You can do

It changes us

It changes what we see and what we seek

You're changing everything" - Spirit of the Living God by Vertical Worship