Thursday, March 3, 2011- Day 68
"This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it and Let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly To lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
This is what it means to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held" Natalie Grant's song Held
I am not sure how old I was when I knew I wanted to me a mom. I am pretty sure I was quite young. I remember as early as middle school that I loved babies and if one was around you better watch out because I would be wanting to hold that baby. I was good with kids and they just seemed to love me. I would spend hours thinking about what I would name all of my kids, I would be having six. They would all look just like me of course. Of course as the years went by their names would change and some of their features, but I still had the same picture of my what my child would look like. I could not wait to have my own kids! When I was a young teenager I remember having a cousin who had trouble having a baby and I remember that being my worst fear. March 3, 2004 that worst fear happened. My dreams were taken away from me. That precious baby that I had pictured and dreamed about for most of my life was "torn from my life". I remember that when I was diagnosed with the cancer I remember not being upset that I had a deadly disease in my body but that I would never carry a child in that body. March 3rd has made me a different person. I wish that I could say that I am a better person. Some days I feel like that day made me better but some days I look at my life and I am ashamed at how that day makes me react. My memories are so vivid of that day and so I mourn greatly for what I lost. Oh, I know I have gained so much and I know some people judge me and think I am not thankful for what God has blessed me with in regards to my kids. I would not trade my kids for a million of my flesh and bone kids but today I hurt. Thankfully, this day is also filled with God's grace and mercy that I survived having my world come apart around me. The days, months and even years after my surgery I was in such a dark place. I was so good at hiding it. Everyone thought I was so strong but I was not. I am thankful that the Lord saw me through those dark days. Seven years later I still have trouble moments. Those moments of anger, bitterness and the big question of "why" are fewer and I am grateful. I guess one sign of my healing is that I do not grieve because I cannot have a baby, but I grieve that we are not in a position to adopt again. I may not get my six kids but you never know:) I am very thankful for Jeremy, my family, and friends who helped through my grief and continue to support and love me.
This is what it means to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held" Natalie Grant's song Held
I am not sure how old I was when I knew I wanted to me a mom. I am pretty sure I was quite young. I remember as early as middle school that I loved babies and if one was around you better watch out because I would be wanting to hold that baby. I was good with kids and they just seemed to love me. I would spend hours thinking about what I would name all of my kids, I would be having six. They would all look just like me of course. Of course as the years went by their names would change and some of their features, but I still had the same picture of my what my child would look like. I could not wait to have my own kids! When I was a young teenager I remember having a cousin who had trouble having a baby and I remember that being my worst fear. March 3, 2004 that worst fear happened. My dreams were taken away from me. That precious baby that I had pictured and dreamed about for most of my life was "torn from my life". I remember that when I was diagnosed with the cancer I remember not being upset that I had a deadly disease in my body but that I would never carry a child in that body. March 3rd has made me a different person. I wish that I could say that I am a better person. Some days I feel like that day made me better but some days I look at my life and I am ashamed at how that day makes me react. My memories are so vivid of that day and so I mourn greatly for what I lost. Oh, I know I have gained so much and I know some people judge me and think I am not thankful for what God has blessed me with in regards to my kids. I would not trade my kids for a million of my flesh and bone kids but today I hurt. Thankfully, this day is also filled with God's grace and mercy that I survived having my world come apart around me. The days, months and even years after my surgery I was in such a dark place. I was so good at hiding it. Everyone thought I was so strong but I was not. I am thankful that the Lord saw me through those dark days. Seven years later I still have trouble moments. Those moments of anger, bitterness and the big question of "why" are fewer and I am grateful. I guess one sign of my healing is that I do not grieve because I cannot have a baby, but I grieve that we are not in a position to adopt again. I may not get my six kids but you never know:) I am very thankful for Jeremy, my family, and friends who helped through my grief and continue to support and love me.
Kim,
ReplyDeleteI've been gone all day, so this is the first chance I've had to check my e-mail and get on the computer. I just wanted you to know that you were on my mind throughout the day---especially so this morning. You are a beautiful person. Thanks for being willing to share about your pain and struggles...I feel privileged to be allowed a glimpse into your heart.
Love (& Hugs),
Joyce Anne