Sunday, November 18, 2018

I feel a little bit guilty that I have not posted in a long time. I feel like I had taken everyone to this place of our new adventure and then I just left it there. That very first day of our new school seems like a lifetime ago. Several times throughout the last few months I have sat down to write, but for starters my exhaustion would always take over and my brain would pretty much be mush. We leave our house at 6:20 every morning and are usually home between 5:00 and 5:30 every night. The days are extremely long and the drive has been less than kind to my body. By Friday afternoon I certain my legs will never work again. The second reason is that it was just too hard to put into words all the emotions that I have been feeling. The first few months were really sad for me. It didn't make any sense. My school is amazing. The people I work with are amazing and the students are mostly amazing 😏. I just found myself wanting to go back to what I knew. I missed so many sweet faces. I missed the ways things were (mostly my commute) and I found myself in a deep state of grief for what was lost. I was trying to come to terms with what I thought my life would look like didn't look anything like I thought it would and my heart was hurting. Hurting so much that I was seriously thinking about making this my last year in the classroom. I don't really know how to fully put into words the lack of enthusiasm I had about my life at the moment. My sister gave me good words of wisdom when she reminded me that those first few months of school are always the hardest, mostly September. It also did not help that my poor Emma is not happy. Six grade is so hard! It is hard even when you do not have to start a new school. Lots and lots of tears from both of us. She loves her teachers and is learning so much, so we are hanging on tightly to that fact. Chloe seemed to be doing great. Her teachers are amazing and she was making friends. There were a few incidents, but nothing major and always easily sorted out. The end of October I found myself finally coming out of the cloud that I had felt like I was suffocating in. Something just clicked and my new reality became really exciting to me. On Halloween the family of one of my loves from last year came to see me. I also had two other loves (they are twins) from my class came by because they live on the same street as us. At first I thought it would send me back to my sadness, but the Lord reminded me that I was in their life for a reason. That time is over, but they are still a part of my heart and always will be. I think part of me was grieving thinking that I had been forgotten by kids and families that were so special to me. I have seen several of my 'parents' the last month (actually saw a mom tonight at the grocery store) and I definitely have not been forgotten. The Lord ordained each of my steps and He led me to this place. It did not take away from the impact I had last year, it just reminded me of what I could do with a new set of students and families. It was then that we find ourselves in a new state of despair.
This despair was not something entirely new to us. We have found ourselves many times in the last 10 years weeping and begging God to help us with Chloe. We have no idea what triggered this round of poor choices, but we found ourselves once again broken by the things that Chloe was doing. Maybe because she is older, maybe because she seemed to be doing so well, this time around of teacher conferences and meetings with the principal brought me to a place that I felt with all my heart that I could take any more. I am so thankful for her teachers and our principal. This may be the first time that the issues going on have been approached with seriousness and so much love for her and us. I love that my principal looked me in the eyes and said, 'Kim, whatever you are feeling right now, please do not let embarrassment be one of them. We love you, we love Chloe and for not one second should you feel embarrassed." We had two really bad days so we kept her out for a few days. Jeremy made an appointment with her pediatrician and took her on one of those days. We were so hopeful as we were pointed in the right direction. Lots of referrals for people that could help us get some answers. Some words were spoken that are really frightening, but we are hopeful. That afternoon the doctor's were already calling and we were setting up appointments. Disappointment set in as it became clear that our insurance would not cover these particular doctors and we would need to be on the search for different doctors. So, sadly we are in a holding period right now trying to get all of that figured out. I was overwhelmed by so many people reaching out to me and sharing their own stories. It was eye opening to realize that we really never know the battles that each of us are facing. Stories shared of nightmares other mom's are going through and I had no idea. I am thankful fro people bringing me words of encouragement that my heart literally needed at that moment. We have a long road ahead, but we cling to the One that is walking ahead of us clearing the way. We are trusting the One that created our child and knows even when we do not.

Okay, here is a few highlights from the last few months;
1. Samuel turned 14! He is still such a sweet guy and I am so proud of how he has adjusted so well to high school. All A's and B's first quarter and engages in conversation with me every day on the way home. He is a pretty awesome guy.
2. Our house did not sell and is actually off the market. Kind of a funny story, it came off the market on November 1st but we had no idea. We started getting bombarded by other realtors about our house listing expiring and we did not even know. They still are calling and leaving messages for me to call them. Just hanging out here for a little while longer.
3. Emma turned 12! Yikes! This one was even harder than Samuel turning 14. Last year of not being a teenager. She is now going to youth group at church and it just doesn't seem real.
4. The biggest accomplishment is our household goes to my hubby DR. JEREMIAH RIGGS! This guy has worked so hard these last 7 YEARS. Not a misprint, SEVEN years he has been working toward his doctorate. Many, many times he wanted to just quit, but he persevered and hallelujah he defended last Thursday and finally has that title.

Praying you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

This song by Switchfoot is my favorite song right now. Everything that has happened the last year that has left us broken is finally being restored and it is a beautiful thing.