Tuesday, August 13, 2019
It has been awhile since I sat down and posted anything. I have sat down many times to write, but the words just didn't seem to come. As I am on the cusp of a new adventure I thought I would try to put into words what has been going on these last six months or so. It wasn't pretty, but I am so thankful for the Lord's mercy and Spirit to help us find our way back.
I lost myself this past year. I found myself in a place that inside I felt blank. I had fallen asleep to the people that are the most important to me. I didn't realize the depth of my neglect until I found myself standing in my child's room, tears flowing, listening to the struggle they had been facing for months, struggles that I had completely missed. God shook me awake that day in May. I am so glad He did. I know that it pretty heavy to write my first time blogging in months, but there is no other way to jump back into this. Let me back up a bit. Everyone in our family had been dispersed to new places. Jeremy and Sam were doing amazing in their new settings. I was loving my new place as well. If you know me, you know that I have so much anxiety when I start something new and it takes me a while to really feel like I belong in the new surrounding, but this wasn't the case this time. I clicked almost instantly with my fellow teachers and other staff. I was welcomed in and valued and I really felt like I belonged. My hopes for Chloe to have a better year was quickly dashed as her behavior continued to get her into trouble and academically she still struggled. My sweet Emma took the hardest hit as she grieved leaving her friends at her old school and I failed her by dismissing her feelings and continuing to ask her just to "endure" this season. We spent over 2 hours a day in the car going to and from school. We were all exhausted and it took a toll on all of us. We were struggling financially and we were trying to sell out house (both extremely stressful). We had taken the house off the market over the holidays but placed it back on the market in January. We got an offer rather quickly, but then they withdrew their offer only after a week (SIGH). In February I was hit with a kidney stone that I had been trying to pass for a week before I ended up in the ER from the pain. It would take another week or so for me to actually pass the thing. I continued to teach each day and kept pretending that I had it all together. During this week of passing the stone, we got another offer on our house. The basement wall was down because we were fixing a crack in the foundation. The couple still wanted to the the home inspection although it wasn't fully finished. I was freaking out, trying to get home to get things cleaned up and to add to my stress a lady ran into my car with her car. I was a mess!
Everything was going great with our house closing but we were in desperate need of finding a place for us to live. We looked at what seemed like 100 houses. We put an offer on a few but those didn't work out. I will save my house story for another post because it is pretty bizarre. We moved to our new house in April and the move only added to our already exhausted life. It was little things that I started to notice that did not seem right to me, but as I mentioned, I had let myself check out and it was easier to just try to ignore the red flags. But that Saturday in May God shook me awake and I am so glad He did before it got any worse. You see, I had isolated myself and in doing so I allowed my children to isolate themselves. Isolation my friends is a dangerous place to be. The enemy has a way of sneaking into those quite places in our minds and hearts and plants dangerous seeds of darkness. I had allowed the enemy into my home because I wasn't on guard. The events on that Saturday prompted me to make some pretty drastic changes. I did not finish the last week of school because I needed to get my girls away from things for a bit. We were gone for two weeks to camp. My kids needed to be away from electronics and learn the importance of having real life friends, not lives created online. They had Truth poured into them and the reminder that their worth is found in the One that created them. It was so hard being away from home for so long, but I know it was exactly what my kids needed. We have spent most of the Summer just staying at home. We got away in July to see my family and this past week we hit some fun spots around Chicago. I just want to end this post with some important lessons that I have learned these last six months.
1. Parenting middle schoolers and high schoolers is so hard.
2. I cannot parent the way that I was parented. I have been pretty naive. If you know us you know that we are pretty conservative parents. We monitor and limit our kids use of technology and online activities, but it wasn't enough.
3. We, I, have to do more to help this age group. They are fighting battles that we as adults are not quite sure how to fight. The pressure and outside voices of this world are speaking so much louder than the voices of those who love them and that is not okay. Pray for the kids in your life, then pray even harder. We have to stop treating them like burdens or that they are just kids. This was hard for me to work through, the part about them being just kids. They are kids, but they are facing adult problems and they do not know how to cope. They don't know how to process the things around them. We, I must do a better job or we will wake up one day and realize we have lost them.
This has been been an eye-opening few months. Tomorrow my son will start 10th grade at our neighborhood public school. My original plan was to homeschool both the girls, but those plans have changed just a bit. I will explain later about both of these changes, but Emma will start 7th grade at the neighborhood public school and I will only be homeschooling Chloe. My heart as been so anxious as I prepare to send two of my kids into new schools this year and tears flow even now as I have second guessed myself a million times. Please wrap Sam and Emma in your prayers tomorrow and this school year. I pray that they will feel welcomed and that they will have an amazing first day tomorrow. I have seriously had like 10 panic attacks thinking about crazy things like who will they eat lunch with, what if they cannot find their class,ect....... I know that the Lord is already there. I know He is already preparing this year for them. So, the hard part, I need to let go and trust them in to the One that loves them even more than I ever could.
I lost myself this past year. I found myself in a place that inside I felt blank. I had fallen asleep to the people that are the most important to me. I didn't realize the depth of my neglect until I found myself standing in my child's room, tears flowing, listening to the struggle they had been facing for months, struggles that I had completely missed. God shook me awake that day in May. I am so glad He did. I know that it pretty heavy to write my first time blogging in months, but there is no other way to jump back into this. Let me back up a bit. Everyone in our family had been dispersed to new places. Jeremy and Sam were doing amazing in their new settings. I was loving my new place as well. If you know me, you know that I have so much anxiety when I start something new and it takes me a while to really feel like I belong in the new surrounding, but this wasn't the case this time. I clicked almost instantly with my fellow teachers and other staff. I was welcomed in and valued and I really felt like I belonged. My hopes for Chloe to have a better year was quickly dashed as her behavior continued to get her into trouble and academically she still struggled. My sweet Emma took the hardest hit as she grieved leaving her friends at her old school and I failed her by dismissing her feelings and continuing to ask her just to "endure" this season. We spent over 2 hours a day in the car going to and from school. We were all exhausted and it took a toll on all of us. We were struggling financially and we were trying to sell out house (both extremely stressful). We had taken the house off the market over the holidays but placed it back on the market in January. We got an offer rather quickly, but then they withdrew their offer only after a week (SIGH). In February I was hit with a kidney stone that I had been trying to pass for a week before I ended up in the ER from the pain. It would take another week or so for me to actually pass the thing. I continued to teach each day and kept pretending that I had it all together. During this week of passing the stone, we got another offer on our house. The basement wall was down because we were fixing a crack in the foundation. The couple still wanted to the the home inspection although it wasn't fully finished. I was freaking out, trying to get home to get things cleaned up and to add to my stress a lady ran into my car with her car. I was a mess!
Everything was going great with our house closing but we were in desperate need of finding a place for us to live. We looked at what seemed like 100 houses. We put an offer on a few but those didn't work out. I will save my house story for another post because it is pretty bizarre. We moved to our new house in April and the move only added to our already exhausted life. It was little things that I started to notice that did not seem right to me, but as I mentioned, I had let myself check out and it was easier to just try to ignore the red flags. But that Saturday in May God shook me awake and I am so glad He did before it got any worse. You see, I had isolated myself and in doing so I allowed my children to isolate themselves. Isolation my friends is a dangerous place to be. The enemy has a way of sneaking into those quite places in our minds and hearts and plants dangerous seeds of darkness. I had allowed the enemy into my home because I wasn't on guard. The events on that Saturday prompted me to make some pretty drastic changes. I did not finish the last week of school because I needed to get my girls away from things for a bit. We were gone for two weeks to camp. My kids needed to be away from electronics and learn the importance of having real life friends, not lives created online. They had Truth poured into them and the reminder that their worth is found in the One that created them. It was so hard being away from home for so long, but I know it was exactly what my kids needed. We have spent most of the Summer just staying at home. We got away in July to see my family and this past week we hit some fun spots around Chicago. I just want to end this post with some important lessons that I have learned these last six months.
1. Parenting middle schoolers and high schoolers is so hard.
2. I cannot parent the way that I was parented. I have been pretty naive. If you know us you know that we are pretty conservative parents. We monitor and limit our kids use of technology and online activities, but it wasn't enough.
3. We, I, have to do more to help this age group. They are fighting battles that we as adults are not quite sure how to fight. The pressure and outside voices of this world are speaking so much louder than the voices of those who love them and that is not okay. Pray for the kids in your life, then pray even harder. We have to stop treating them like burdens or that they are just kids. This was hard for me to work through, the part about them being just kids. They are kids, but they are facing adult problems and they do not know how to cope. They don't know how to process the things around them. We, I must do a better job or we will wake up one day and realize we have lost them.
This has been been an eye-opening few months. Tomorrow my son will start 10th grade at our neighborhood public school. My original plan was to homeschool both the girls, but those plans have changed just a bit. I will explain later about both of these changes, but Emma will start 7th grade at the neighborhood public school and I will only be homeschooling Chloe. My heart as been so anxious as I prepare to send two of my kids into new schools this year and tears flow even now as I have second guessed myself a million times. Please wrap Sam and Emma in your prayers tomorrow and this school year. I pray that they will feel welcomed and that they will have an amazing first day tomorrow. I have seriously had like 10 panic attacks thinking about crazy things like who will they eat lunch with, what if they cannot find their class,ect....... I know that the Lord is already there. I know He is already preparing this year for them. So, the hard part, I need to let go and trust them in to the One that loves them even more than I ever could.
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