Tomorrow, 18 years cancer free

 I never really know how I am going to feel on this date every year. My emotions are running a little bit higher this year. My 18th year cancer free also means that my sweet baby boy is almost 18. I will wake up in the morning and think about the events that unfolded 18 years ago. I will relive almost every moment of that day. I remember waking up March 3, 2004 knowing that the person I had been up to that point would never be the same. I remember looking in the mirror that morning wondering what would become of me. We drove the hour away to the hospital. I remember waiting. I remember finally being placed in this tiny room and I put layers of hospital garb on. My parents and Jeremy's parents were in the room with me and I remember we were making small talk. There was a thick feeling of uncertainty in the room. There were people that stopped by to see me and since we had not been in SC long I really did not know them that well. Jeremy's uncle stopped by and I know he was trying to be encouraging but I remember him saying, "Well, I was surprised to hear you were here. I thought you were doing better." Yep, we were wondering how we ended up here too. They finally wheeled me to the section of the hospital where they start to put you under. I was asked 50 times if I knew why I was there and what I was having done. Each time in a shaky voice I would have to relive over and over what I was having done, "a hysterectomy". I could feel panic start to set in. I remember getting some medicine in my IV. I was wheeled down a long hallway. I entered a room with bright lights hanging from the ceiling. I remember being lifted off the bed I was laying on and then darkness took over.

I don't know how much time had passed, but I remember opening my eyes to see light streaming in the room, but a new darkness had now consumed my soul and heart. I would stay in the hospital a few days. Before I left I would get the good news that the cancer had been contained and it had not spread anywhere else in my body. I would leave the hospital healed from cancer, but a harder healing process would begin. For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom. I was the mom! Even as a young girl I was the mom of the group. I would remember praying and begging God that He would not choose me to be a woman that could not have children. I buried my hopes and dreams in Columbia, SC. This day 18 years ago would change who I was for the rest of my entire life. We would head home and try to figure out how to keep moving forward. In God's mercy He allowed us to move back to TN to be closer to family and just to get away from the reminders of so many hurtful things.

So 18 years later, I am thankful that the Lord saved my life from cancer. I am thankful that He saved my life from the grief that consumed me. There were many nights that first year that I didn't want to live with the pain anymore. I did not want to live this life of panic attacks and pretending that I was okay. There were many dark nights, but praise the Lord He always gave me a reason to keep going. The Lord would bless us with 3 amazing kids. I have known for a long time that our kids were a part of my suffering, but the Lord continues to reveal how He has used me for His service these past 18 years. If I had not had cancer I probably would not be a teacher. I had taken two years of teacher education classes but switched my major to missions. After my cancer and surgery our plan for the mission field would be put on hold indefinitely. We moved back to TN after my surgery and I took a job working for the family that I had worked for in college. Jeremy was hired as the music minister at a local church and was going to teach Bible and Math at PVCS. I was driving almost an hour to work every day. The family's kids were older now so I was basically doing errands and housework and I was by myself in their big house most of the time. It was not good for me to be alone with my thoughts for that long and I most people know my dislike for driving. I was also going through a rough time because my Grandma had died just two months after my surgery and it added another layer to my grief. PVCS would have a four year old kindergarten position opening for the next school year, so I applied and got the job and the rest is history. I fell in love with teaching. I fell in love with that class. The Lord used that class to pull me through the sadness and depression. To my surprise teaching became as natural as breathing to me. Something took over and for the first time in my life I had found my niche. I would go back to school and finish my teaching degree and the Lord would use me to help so many kids the last 18 years. He gave me a new purpose and I had never even thought about it that way before. Without cancer I am not sure I would of ever returned to my calling as a teacher and I can not imagine doing anything else with my life. So although there will be some tears tomorrow and the scar on my body will seem to be more prominent the next few days, I will continue to give thanks for another year of health. The Lord still has plans for me so I will continue to give Him my "yes". So praise be to Jesus!