Friday, February 12, 2016
Thursday, February 12, 2004 is the day that the mirror of my life would be forever broken. I was 26 years old. We had been fighting a hard battle over the past 9 months. We thought we were winning. I had gone in a few days before to have my third and final biopsy. I had been taking treatments and every three months I would need a biopsy to check the process. A painful, take my breath away biopsy that I was not sedated for. I had been poked, prodded, went from doctor to doctor, suffered the embarrassment and humiliation because it seemed like everyone doctor in South Carolina had seen the most intimate parts of my body. I knew that this third biopsy would be my last if there was not any signs that the cancer was gone. The day of the biopsy my doctor was actually hopeful because the tissue taken did look different then previous biopsies. We were sent home and told to come back on the 12th for the results. We went home and we held onto hope. We knew that our miracle was coming. Everyone we knew (and some we didn't know) had been begging God to heal me. We had been prayed for, fasted for, and brought to the Father by people all over the world and we knew He would come through for us. On the 12th we made the hour drive to Columbia, SC to see my oncologist. We sat in Dr.Williams' office. A song from Point of Grace was playing on the radio behind his desk. Our world fell apart as the doctor told us that there had not been any change. There was nothing more he could do, He admitted that he probably let the treatments go on longer than he should of, surgery would need to be scheduled. I remember the room spinning and I remember becoming like a mad woman throwing out suggestions of what else could be done. I remember my husband and my kind doctor just letting me go mad for a few minutes. The doctor told us to go home and process and to come back next week to schedule the hysterectomy. We stepped outside and maybe for the first time ever I was inconsolable. I fell into Jeremy's arms and I wept and screamed and I felt like God had abandoned me. We had been defeated, we had lost the war. It would be in that moment that anxiety would plague my life. That realization that sometimes thing are not okay would be the biggest crack in my mirror of life. That day would begin my battle of feeling worthless and like a failure. A battle with my identity as a woman. Just a side note, I think this is why I am so offended when someone refers to me as young or looking like a child. Deep rooted insecurities of being a woman spring up when these things are said. We drove the endless hour back home, but I knew I needed to see my family. With my parent's help we booked plane tickets to St. Louis the next day. My sister was living in St.Louis and my parents were actually going to be visiting my sister that weekend. We boarded a plane and headed to St.Louis to cry and emotionally sort all of this out.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008. Four years later we had found ourselves fighting a different battle. We had been battling the last 8 months to bring our baby girl Emma home. We had started the adoption process a year before and it was almost record speed that we got a referral for her just a few months after we started the process. We had been on a mission's trip to Bowling Green, KY with our youth group and several other groups (one happened to be youth group my sister was leading ). We had headed back to Nashville to take Samuel to my in-laws to stay the remainder of the week. While we were dropping Sam off I had left my phone in the car and when we got back to the car I saw that I had missed a call from our adoption agency. We were in the drive-thru at a back when our agency said that they had a little girl for us! It was a beautiful moment my sister and I shared and we got on the phone calling everyone we could to let them know. I only knew this little girl's name and some medical history and I was already completing in love with her. I know things are different now, but in those days the time frame for referral to home was usually about 3-4 months. We went into hyper-drive getting prepared for Emma to come home. The first few months of waiting paperwork was being done and we were getting closer every day to bringing our baby home. After a few months all progress seemed to stop. We knew that adoption takes a lot of patience and we were patient in mad adoptive parents type of way. We knew to not start calling anyone until a certain amount of time had passed. As soon as that time frame ended we started calling the visa office to get updates because all we were waiting on was the visa approval. We called several times a day and we kept getting told that her case was pending, ect. We were hopeful she would be home by her 1st birthday in November. Her 1st birthday came and went, Thanksgiving came and went and Emma was still not home. In December I talked to someone at the visa center only to find out that they had no record of Emma's file. It was at this point panic set in. We were back and forth with the visa center and the immigration office and no body would help us. Each place were blaming the other office for messing up paperwork and each office was stating that they could not help us. Christmas came and there were unopened gifts under the tree with Emma's name on them. I was slowing losing my mind and my heart was so broken because we felt helpless and we had no idea how we were going to get our baby home. We got our congressman involved (yes, it took an act of Congress to bring Emma home), we called the Embassy in Seoul (even though we were told not to), we were fighting hard and we were getting weary, but we kept fighting. January was almost over and there was still not a lot of progress. After talking to a manager at the visa center she mentioned one of the pieces of paperwork that had been submitted by the immigration office on a certain date and I realized that it was the immigration office that had sent the wrong paper! The immigration office did not have a direct number to call and talk to a real person, but you could email them. I emailed them every hour. I finally reached out to all of my family and friends to flood the immigration office's email with our petition. They were going to fix this! By the end of that day my phone rang and it was someone from the immigration office :). We had originally planned to have Emma escorted home like Samuel, but we knew that would add more time, so we had decided about a month before that we were going to Korea and have her placed in our arms when she was ready to come home. A week after that conversation with the immigration office we finally got our travel call. Our daughter was finally ready to come home! I believe it was in God's grace that on February 12th, 2008 we boarded a plane to Korea. It was a reminder to us that on a day that was so filled with grief and despair God had a plan.Four years ago on that very day I wasn't sure I would live through the sorrow and disappointment, but it was a lesson that God is working when His goodness is being questioned. We celebrate Emma every day, but take some extra time this time of year to give thanks to God for bringing her to our family. It's a time to recognize that out of the ashes of our burnt up dreams and plans God brought us our beautiful Emma. " For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland Isaiah 43:19."
These pictures were given to us by her foster mother. I think this is the first time I am posted them publicly :) .
Tuesday, February 12, 2008. Four years later we had found ourselves fighting a different battle. We had been battling the last 8 months to bring our baby girl Emma home. We had started the adoption process a year before and it was almost record speed that we got a referral for her just a few months after we started the process. We had been on a mission's trip to Bowling Green, KY with our youth group and several other groups (one happened to be youth group my sister was leading ). We had headed back to Nashville to take Samuel to my in-laws to stay the remainder of the week. While we were dropping Sam off I had left my phone in the car and when we got back to the car I saw that I had missed a call from our adoption agency. We were in the drive-thru at a back when our agency said that they had a little girl for us! It was a beautiful moment my sister and I shared and we got on the phone calling everyone we could to let them know. I only knew this little girl's name and some medical history and I was already completing in love with her. I know things are different now, but in those days the time frame for referral to home was usually about 3-4 months. We went into hyper-drive getting prepared for Emma to come home. The first few months of waiting paperwork was being done and we were getting closer every day to bringing our baby home. After a few months all progress seemed to stop. We knew that adoption takes a lot of patience and we were patient in mad adoptive parents type of way. We knew to not start calling anyone until a certain amount of time had passed. As soon as that time frame ended we started calling the visa office to get updates because all we were waiting on was the visa approval. We called several times a day and we kept getting told that her case was pending, ect. We were hopeful she would be home by her 1st birthday in November. Her 1st birthday came and went, Thanksgiving came and went and Emma was still not home. In December I talked to someone at the visa center only to find out that they had no record of Emma's file. It was at this point panic set in. We were back and forth with the visa center and the immigration office and no body would help us. Each place were blaming the other office for messing up paperwork and each office was stating that they could not help us. Christmas came and there were unopened gifts under the tree with Emma's name on them. I was slowing losing my mind and my heart was so broken because we felt helpless and we had no idea how we were going to get our baby home. We got our congressman involved (yes, it took an act of Congress to bring Emma home), we called the Embassy in Seoul (even though we were told not to), we were fighting hard and we were getting weary, but we kept fighting. January was almost over and there was still not a lot of progress. After talking to a manager at the visa center she mentioned one of the pieces of paperwork that had been submitted by the immigration office on a certain date and I realized that it was the immigration office that had sent the wrong paper! The immigration office did not have a direct number to call and talk to a real person, but you could email them. I emailed them every hour. I finally reached out to all of my family and friends to flood the immigration office's email with our petition. They were going to fix this! By the end of that day my phone rang and it was someone from the immigration office :). We had originally planned to have Emma escorted home like Samuel, but we knew that would add more time, so we had decided about a month before that we were going to Korea and have her placed in our arms when she was ready to come home. A week after that conversation with the immigration office we finally got our travel call. Our daughter was finally ready to come home! I believe it was in God's grace that on February 12th, 2008 we boarded a plane to Korea. It was a reminder to us that on a day that was so filled with grief and despair God had a plan.Four years ago on that very day I wasn't sure I would live through the sorrow and disappointment, but it was a lesson that God is working when His goodness is being questioned. We celebrate Emma every day, but take some extra time this time of year to give thanks to God for bringing her to our family. It's a time to recognize that out of the ashes of our burnt up dreams and plans God brought us our beautiful Emma. " For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland Isaiah 43:19."
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| The picture we looked at for months waiting for baby girl |
These pictures were given to us by her foster mother. I think this is the first time I am posted them publicly :) .
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