Tuesday, March 3, 2015
We all have "those days". Those days that are forever etched in your heart and soul as days that will forever mark as a significant event in your life. A day that alters all of the days behind you and shapes all the days in front of you. April 2nd was the day that the cancer diagnosis first entered our life, but March 3. 2004 marks the day that the deepest grief became my new reality. It was the day that marked a time when it seemed that all hope was lost and it actually was lost. This event was not the way it was supposed to happen. I remember waking up on this morning 11 years ago, getting ready, going about life as normal, but feeling the atmosphere of dread and uncertainty hanging over me. I had been through 11 months of treatments hoping and praying that this surgery would not have to happen, but the results from the last biopsy taken a few weeks prior indicated that there had not been any change in the cancer cells. It was a day filled with sadness of what I would be losing, but it was also a very scary situation because the doctor could not be sure what they would find once they actually opened me up. I remember almost every detail of this morning 11 years ago. I remember what I was wearing and what I was thinking. I can see all the people who were waiting with me in a small waiting room before surgery. They finally took me back to start IV's and I remember that after each time I was asked what I was having done today the more agitated I became and more I wanted to answer, "What am I having done today? You are removing all of my hopes and dreams! The one thing I have always wanted for as long as I can remember is being snatched from me today!" I made it through the surgery and I actually recovered quickly. Then the journey of emotional and spiritual healing began. I wish I could say that I have completed that stage of the journey, but that is not entirely accurate. I am thankful that after 11 years on that healing journey I do find that the road is getting easier to navigate. Even today my heart does not hurt as badly as it has in the past and the scar that is hidden does not seem to be opened up as widely as it normally does.
There are very few people who know the extent of my anxiety. My husband, my sister, and one of my very dear friends are the only ones who really see the deep pain that haunts me sometime. As much as they love me and want to help me the truth is that this pain is something that I carry alone. It is such a private hurt and so well hidden that others cannot truly know or experience the struggles that still rage within me some times. I realize that I am the only one who even thinks about the events of this day 11 years ago. I am thankful that those events do not define who I am today and many have forgotten that I even had cancer. It is the events of this day that all of my anxieties hinge on. I have actually discovered something pretty profound about my anxiety over this year. It came from a C.S. Lewis quote that I came across almost a year ago. And although I know that anxiety in any form is not healthy and needs to be addressed, it has put it in perspective for me.
I have realized that my anxiety does not come from my fear of God not working things out. Even 11 years ago I clung to the fact that God was not going to abandon me. He did have a plan and His plan was going to be more amazing that I could even imagine, but the events of this day made me realize that the plans in our life do not always come without a great deal of pain. My anxiety takes over as I think about what pain and heartache will I have to work through to get to His perfect plan. This day is why I have a hard time trusting and believing that things will "work out", because sometimes you get to a place in life and they are not working out. Oh I know, eventually you can look back and see the bigger picture, but some heartaches will never go away. I am thankful that God has given me a pretty clear picture of why I endured this incredible pain and that the events of 11 years ago did not break my spirit, but I also realize that I am a work in progress. I pray that as each year goes by I am a greater testimony of God taking the broken pieces in our life and making them into something beautiful.
Before I close this post I did want to give an update on Samuel. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from the school that he had gotten hurt in gym class. They were playing floor hockey and he got smacked in the eye with the hockey stick. They said there was a visible scratch on his eye. I was panicked because I thought they meant visible on his eyeball. I went to the school to pick him and the girls up. I took him to the doctor and thankfully no visible scratches on his eyeball. He does have a cut on his eyelid and some bruising and redness. The swelling looks better today so I think the damage has been limited. I am so thankful because it could have been so much worse.
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There are very few people who know the extent of my anxiety. My husband, my sister, and one of my very dear friends are the only ones who really see the deep pain that haunts me sometime. As much as they love me and want to help me the truth is that this pain is something that I carry alone. It is such a private hurt and so well hidden that others cannot truly know or experience the struggles that still rage within me some times. I realize that I am the only one who even thinks about the events of this day 11 years ago. I am thankful that those events do not define who I am today and many have forgotten that I even had cancer. It is the events of this day that all of my anxieties hinge on. I have actually discovered something pretty profound about my anxiety over this year. It came from a C.S. Lewis quote that I came across almost a year ago. And although I know that anxiety in any form is not healthy and needs to be addressed, it has put it in perspective for me.
I have realized that my anxiety does not come from my fear of God not working things out. Even 11 years ago I clung to the fact that God was not going to abandon me. He did have a plan and His plan was going to be more amazing that I could even imagine, but the events of this day made me realize that the plans in our life do not always come without a great deal of pain. My anxiety takes over as I think about what pain and heartache will I have to work through to get to His perfect plan. This day is why I have a hard time trusting and believing that things will "work out", because sometimes you get to a place in life and they are not working out. Oh I know, eventually you can look back and see the bigger picture, but some heartaches will never go away. I am thankful that God has given me a pretty clear picture of why I endured this incredible pain and that the events of 11 years ago did not break my spirit, but I also realize that I am a work in progress. I pray that as each year goes by I am a greater testimony of God taking the broken pieces in our life and making them into something beautiful.
Before I close this post I did want to give an update on Samuel. Yesterday afternoon I got a call from the school that he had gotten hurt in gym class. They were playing floor hockey and he got smacked in the eye with the hockey stick. They said there was a visible scratch on his eye. I was panicked because I thought they meant visible on his eyeball. I went to the school to pick him and the girls up. I took him to the doctor and thankfully no visible scratches on his eyeball. He does have a cut on his eyelid and some bruising and redness. The swelling looks better today so I think the damage has been limited. I am so thankful because it could have been so much worse.
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