Saturday, March 4, 2017

We have had another busy week. I sat down several times to write, but something else would require my attention. Yesterday marked my 13 years of being cancer free. March 3rd is always a day of mixed emotions for me. I celebrate my healing, but a great sorrow surrounds me this day as I think about what was lost. Many of you know that I have a weird memory (thanks to my dad). I guess I could be labeled as having  a photographic memory. As I have gotten older that ability as wavered some, but memories from the past are still unbelievable. The events of March 3, 2004 have been made into a movie in my memory. A see the memories like those old movie reel films on the projector. I don't turn that movie on very often any more, but when March 3rd rolls around each year it is the only feature shown on that day. So all day yesterday the events of that day 13 years ago rolled through my mind. I remember every detail of that day. Getting up, showering, what I was wearing, what the people around me where wearing, sitting in this tiny room all "suited" up for surgery, weird visitors that came to see me that day (weird in the fact that they really did not need to be in this tiny room involved in this very personal situation), silly conversations that were going on in every effort to keep everyone from losing their minds. Seriously, we had like a 20 minute conversation about the little brown suede bag that I brought and I finally had to remind my mother-in-law that she is the one that bought it for me just a few months ago 😉. I see myself finally be taken from the small room and wheeled into the holding area. I remember the panic and despair. I see the nurse after nurse that would bend down to me asking me what I was having done today and each time I had to say the word "hysterectomy" more panic would set in. I remember the kindness of one nurse who deiced to start me on the IV's before a full panic attack set in. I remember calming down and for the last time I would see those brown haired, brown eyed babies that I had dreamt of  my entire life. Only this time as I looked on their faces that mirrored mine they would not be reaching for me, they would be waving good-bye. I would be rolled into the operating room, see the bright light over the table and succumb to the darkness. I would wake up several hours later in a hospital room now surrounded by a different darkness that would take many years to emerge entirely from. I allowed myself to walk through these memories yesterday. I would let the tears fall as they wished. I would let myself remember so I could then gives thanks to God for all that He has done since that day 13 years ago. I tried to spend most of my day yesterday giving thanks to God for my browned haired, brown eyed babies that mirror my heart, thank Him for all the people who walked with us and continue to love us and encourage us, thank Him for 13 years of health, and thank Him for this beautiful, broken picture that He is painting in my life. I would give thanks that even though I felt like I had been buried that day, He did not leave me there. He raised me from those ashes and planted me into a new journey that would bring Him the most glory.

Last night we went out to eat. We have cut back on our eating out, but I really did not want to cook last night. At dinner Emma prayed, "Thank you God that mom doesn't have cancer any more, please keep her that way." Tears, tears, and more tears. After dinner we went to the book store. We then came back and Jeremy, Samuel, and myself watched a movie. Samuel and I both read a book recently (yes, the same book) that they made into a movie. This was the first time that Samuel has watched a movie that he had actually read the book first. Let's just say he was not impressed with the changes they made in the movie 😒 It was cute that he actually remembered how they were different, but it was a little annoying because he kept pointing them out the entire movie!

In other news, Chloe has had 7 (YES 7!) good days in a row. She is working toward a reward to go to a nail salon. She has to have 3 good weeks (5 out of 7 days), good days at school and home and I will take her to get her nails done. If this reward works I might have to start asking for donations to keep this reward up 😅, but if it's going to help motivate her to make better choices I will try it. I also mentioned a meeting that was suppose to happen on Tuesday with the high school, well it did not take place on Tuesday. The other people involved needed some extra time, so I ask that you would still keep the details of the new high school in your prayers. Well, I have a mound of laundry to attend to today, so I better get to work. Enjoy your weekend!

We LOVE books!