Saturday, March 3. 2018

I never really know how I am going to feel as this date rolls around every year. I take comfort in the fact that each year my emotions are a little more in control and each year the Lord reveals to me good that came out of the darkest time in my life. I cannot wake up on this date and not think about the events that unfolded now 14 years ago. I relive almost every moment of this day. I guess because I remember waking up 14 years ago today knowing that the person I had been up to that point would never be the same. I remember looking in the mirror that morning wondering what would become of me. We drove the hour away to the hospital. I remember waiting. I remember finally being placed in this tiny room and I put layers of hospital garb on. My parents and Jeremy's parents were in the room with me and I remember we were making small talk. There was a thick feeling of uncertainty in the room. There were people that stopped by to see me and since we had not been in SC long I really did not know them that well. Jeremy's uncle stopped by and I know he was trying to be encouraging but I remember him saying, "Well, I was surprised to hear you were here. I thought you were doing better." Yep, we were wondering how we ended up here too. They finally wheeled me to the section of the hospital where they start to put you under. I was asked 50 times if I knew why I was there and what I was having done. Each time in a shaky voice I would have to relive over and over what I was having done, "a hysterectomy". I could feel panic start to set in. I remember getting some medicine in my IV. I was wheeled down a long hallway. I entered a room with bright lights hanging from the ceiling. I remember being lifted off the bed I was laying on and then darkness took over.

I don't know how much time had passed, but I remember opening my eyes to see light streaming in the room, but the darkness had now consumed my soul and heart. I would stay in the hospital a few days. Before I left I would get the good news that the cancer had been contained and it had not spread anywhere else in my body. I would leave the hospital healed from cancer, but a harder healing process would begin. For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a mom. I was the mom! Even as a young girl I was the mom of the group. I would remember praying and begging God that He would not chose me to be a woman that could not have children. I buried my hopes and dreams in Columbia, SC. I buried the faces of the little boys and girls that I had dreamt about my entire life. This day 14 years ago would change who I was for the rest of my entire life. We would head home and try to figure out how to keep moving forward. In God's mercy He allowed us to move back to TN to be closer to family and just to get away from the reminders of so many hurtful things.

So 14 years later I am thankful that the Lord saved my life from cancer. I am thankful that He saved my life from the grief that consumed me. There were many nights that first year that I didn't want to live with the pain anymore. I did not want to live this life of panic attacks and pretending that I was okay. There were many dark nights, but praise the Lord He always gave me a reason to keep going. The Lord would bless us with 3 amazing kids. I have known for a long time that our kids were part of the plan of my suffering, but last night the Lord revealed something else to me. If I had not had cancer I probably would not be a teacher. I had taken two years of teacher education classes but switched my major to missions. After my cancer and surgery our plan for the mission field would be put on hold indefinitely. We moved back to TN after my surgery and I took a job working for the family that I had worked for in college. Jeremy was hired as the music minister at the church and was going to teach Bible and Math at the local Christian School ( his alma mater). I was driving almost an hour to work every day. The family's kids were older now so I was basically doing errands and housework and I was by myself in their big house most of the time. It was not good for me to be alone with my thoughts for that long and I have mentioned my dislike for driving. I was also going through a rough time because my Grandma had died just two months after my surgery and it added another layer to my grief. The Christian school would have a four year old kindergarten position opening from the next school year, so I applied and got the job and the rest is history. I fell in love with teaching. I fell in love with that class. The Lord used that class to pull me through the sadness and depression. To my surprise teaching became as natural as breathing to me. Something took over and for the first time in my life I had found my niche. I would go back to school and finish my teaching degree and the Lord would use me to help so many kids the last 14 years. He gave me a new purpose and I had never even thought about it that way before. Now my teaching skills have been put to the test this year 😰, but the Lord has used me to help kids succeed and help build their foundation for their education. Without cancer I am not sure I would of ever returned to my calling as a teacher and I can not imagine my life not being a teacher. So although there have been some tears today. The scar on my body seems to be more prominent today. I believe that I have viewed this day as the day that I was buried, but the Lord has revealed that this is the day I was actually planted. He had great plans for me to not only be an influence on biological children, but children from across the world and children I would have in my classroom. So praise be to Jesus!

Our morning started early. I was grumpy and all I wanted was some more sleep. I took the dogs out and I noticed how beautiful the sky was this morning. It was a beautiful reminder of another day of life. We all got ready and headed to the high school we will be sending Samuel to. We had to do a family interview this morning and we found out that he has been accepted. One of Sam's friends from school was having his interview after ours and the Lord just gave me so much peace about sending Samuel to this school. Most of the hard days in my life the Lord has given me good things that have also happened on that day. Today I was just blown away by how good He has been to us and giving us Samuel. How amazing that on this day that I am reminded that God gave me the child I had prayed for! We had our interview and took a tour of the school. We got some breakfast on the way home and then Emma got ready and I took her to her basketball game. It was rough. I was cracking up and at one point I seriously could not watch. I am proud of Emma's enthusiasm and her willingness to put herself out there, but it was... as Samuel said...unique style of basketball. The kids and I went to the grocery store and then we came home and I got my nap in. I have supper going and plan to relax the rest of the night. Thank you again for loving our family! I know that many that read my blog walked along side of during those dark days and I am truly thankful for those who carried us through those hard days. Much love to you all!