Wednesday. March 28, 2018

I was a mess last night as I drifted off to sleep. I am not sure what time Jeremy came to bed. I am sure it was late. I am sure his restless mind and hurting heart was preventing sleep to come. I let the tears flow until me pillow was wet and at some point sleep finally took over and my mind and heart had some time to rest. I woke up to several messages that once again had the tears flowing. This time for a different reason. This time they flowed because some hope began to stir in my heart again. Several friends commenting on my faith and guilt took over because my faith seems pretty shaky these days. I feel like I have been pretending to be strong for way too long and I just couldn't bear this weight. I cannot help but feel very similar to 15 years ago. 15 years ago this coming Monday (April 2nd) our world was turned upside down when I sat in my doctor's office and heard the words, "You have cancer." We prayed. Our family prayed. Our friends prayed. People we never met prayed. People all over the world were praying. I was certain God was going to answer our prayers. How could He not? So many people were praying! 11 months of people praying and our answer was not what we had expected. It took many years for me to hear God's voice, "Child, (that's what I feel God calling me when I have been acting like a child) you asked for healing. I brought you healing, but I gave you healing that would bring me the most glory." There is so much hurt in our lives right now. There was so much hurt in our lives 14-15 years ago. That sting of disappointment of what seemed to be an unanswered prayer brought so much emotion yesterday.
 There are these steps that lead to a door to our gym that obviously have not been used in a long time judging by the amount of stuff behind the door. There is also this wooden slanted ramp looking thing next to these steps. We have recess next to the gym and this monstrosity. The older kids love to hang out on these steps with their friends. Or they climb on the wooden ramp thing (sorry, I really have no idea what it is). For our littles these steps are really dangerous. Kids fall off the landing part either on their own or a bunch of kids get up there and someone gets pushed. They trip and fall on the steps. They try to stand on the ramp part and tumble down or they try to slide down and end up with a rear end full of splinters. Kids getting busted lips and huge goose egg bumps on their head Every day we tell the kids not to go on these steps. Every day the kids go on these steps. Several times each recess we shoo kids off of these steps. Sometimes Most of the time we are telling the same kids to get off! There is no good that can come from getting on this part of the building! Today as I told kids for the 1 millionth time to get off I asked several kids, " Why do we have to tell you to stay away from that every single day!" In that moment I saw that ugly steps and wooden ramp in a totally different way and I heard the voice, "Child, why do you keep climbing those steps of anxiety, fear, injustice, disappointment every day. Nothing good comes from you climbing up there." The heart of our request in our life is that God will provide. It has already come with some pain and disappointment. It probably will not look like the way we see it playing out in our head. But just like 15 years ago we have to trust that he will provide in the way that will bring Him most glory.