I so enjoyed reading all the memories that were posted about my parents and their house! I wasn't sure I would fall asleep last night. After I got my kids settled in the living room and I went to bed I just listened to the many sounds that can be heard at the house. I had a few more memories and maybe some tears, but sleep came. My mom made a yummy breakfast despite the fact that her biscuits for some reason looked like cookies. I think it was just another memory filed away. We left about 10 and I thought I would be able to escape without any more tears. I couldn't hold them. I let some fall. I walked out the front door and I stood there for a moment and one more memory entered my mind. It was the day I left for college. The van was loaded with my belongings and I stood on the porch holding my Mickey Mouse phone and I knew. I knew that from that day forward everything would be changing. I would never fully come back home. Today as I stood there I knew that I would never ever come back home. By the time I got to the car the tears flowed freely. We headed up to my dad's work, Douglas Net Company. I said my goodbye to this building and we drove through my childhood town one more time. As we headed home we passed the house one more time and I let the tears flow freely. I think the two things that are the hardest for me to process is first,the idea that I will never go home again. For 40 years it was my home. Even though I have been gone from there longer than I actually lived there, there was something always comforting about going home. I know I will make new memories at my parent's new house, but it will never be home to me. Well, unless our situation continues to get worse we may be needing a place to live 😰 (okay, sorry, things are not that bad). Second, as I have mulled over all of my memories it hurts to think that that house is the last place I have that I can still picture my Grandma and Paw. Oh I know there are other places that if I ever go to visit I can picture them there, but the house it the last of the places that I could still picture them. I guess that sounds weird. I do take comfort in two thoughts. First, my Grandma died in May of 2004. My Paw would die in September that same year. By November the house was packed up and on the market to be sold. In one year I grieved losing both of them and I had to grieve the fact that Grandma's house was no longer a place I would be able to go. I am thankful that it is only the house that I have grieve this time and have hope of making new memories at a new house. Second, my kids are really excited about Grandma and Grandpa's new house. The kids and I were in Missouri with them in December when they looked at and put an offer on the house they are moving into. Sam and Emma went with us to look at this house and they love it. There is a bonus room that is a grand kids dream room. Their excitement has made things a little bit easier.
I was a little worried about my emotions today considering that April 2nd is a very difficult day for me. 15 years ago today I went to see my doctor for a follow up from a procedure I had done the week before. It was supposed to be an easy visit. It was supposed to be a visit where I got good news that I was one the way to recovery. It would turn out to be anything but routine. I would sit in my doctor's personal office with Jeremy by my side and the words that nobody wants to hear came out of his mouth, " I am so sorry. You have cancer." The original prognosis from my doctor was not good. From the tissue sample that was taken he believed the cancer was probably Stage 4. The cells had changed and grown so much he was pretty sure it had spread to other parts of my body. I would be seeing an oncologist in three days to come up with a game plan. Our lives were turned upside down in a split second. We called everyone we knew and they called everyone they knew and they started praying. Three days later I would see the oncologist and we would get our first miracle. The sample he looked out showed cancer but a much lower stage. I would begin treatments and the rest I have already shared. This morning as I opened my eyes I was taken back to this day 15 years ago and I was reminded of how dark and uncertain my future looked that day. Our faith hung in the balance as at that moment my very life hung in the balance. I was reminded of those dark days and how God had delivered us from that diagnosis. Our current situation seems a little uncertain. I have only shared a sliver of the struggles we have been facing the last 7 months. Most days there is something that comes up that makes us fight off a panic attack. Our situation is not as bleak as it was 15 years ago, but we find ourselves in a place that we wonder what God is up to. What good can come from all this hurt? We have the hope that God is still our Deliverer. So we wait, trust, and hope, knowing that it will be for His ultimate glory.
 |
| Spring break= Minecraft |
 |
| You know this is right! |
 |
| The only picture I took yesterday. We had Easter lunch at our friend's house. We are blessed to have such amazing people in our life! |
Comments
Post a Comment