Sunday, April 15, 2018

Thirteen years ago as many were rushing to the post office to get their taxes post marked in time, Jeremy and I were rushing to get our hands on another set of paperwork. We were rushing to our adoption agency to hear all about our son and to see a picture of the blessing we had been waiting for so long. I remember sitting in this little office and our social worker handing us a stack of papers and on top was the picture of the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen. In one moment, with one glance of boy's face, I became a mom. I became his mom. The several years up to that moment had been filled with so much heartache and disappointment. There were so many moments on our journey that I had felt abandoned and misjudged. So many moments that I just wanted to sit down and not move on with my life, but the Lord was faithful and He brought the healing. He brought the pieces of my broken life together according to His perfect plan. This morning, 13 years later, as I looked at those same picture the Lord reminded me of His faithfulness once more. The last nine months has had very similar emotions to those years of infertility, cancer, and barrenness. Very similar feelings of anger and trying to figure our where God was in all of the tears and begging to be rescued. The similar feelings of anxiety, panic attacks and spiritual attacks. After my surgery we started the adoption process within a few months, but it felt like we were standing still and nothing was being worked on. In our wait our hearts were hard and we had let the enemy set up camp in our minds and spirit. It was only until I let go of the anger towards others and acknowledge God's hand in my life did we finally start to see God working. Our vision had been so clouded by our hurt that we could not see how clearly God was working on our behalf. Oh, trust me, there were many more days on that journey to bring Samuel home, even after that picture, that had me face down on the floor begging God to intervene. There were many nights, many moments that I had to stop myself from letting the anger creep back in, but I kept giving back to the Lord. This morning the Lord told me I need to give Him all the stuff that I have been holding onto. I have convinced myself (just like then) that I have the right to feel a certain way, but what good is that going to do? The answers in nothing. I MUST refocus my attention on the goodness of the Lord. I MUST let go to what has happened and look forward to what the Lord is doing. I am so thankful that today was Sunday and that we were surrounded my people who love us and prayed over us! Our family speaking truth and life into us is what the we need right now! I am thankful for my sister's that prayed over me and the group of people that surrounded my husband after service to pray over him was so beautiful! The Lord is so good and one day the broken pieces of our current situation will be put back together to show the beautiful picture that the Lord is painting. All for His glory! It will all come together to tell the story that He wants to be told!