Thursday, October 23, 2014
I guess this post is a continuation of my last post because it is a little insight to the struggles I have as a church planter's wife, but to be honest I am not sure what direction this post is going to go into :). The very thought of my sharing a post that focuses on me kind of freaks me out a little.
For most of my life I have been labeled "quiet". I guess growing up nobody used the word "introvert", so I was viewed as this shy, quiet girl who didn't like to talk. I heard it from family (outside of my immediate family), family friends, church members, teachers, and sometimes people who were at the same gathering as me but I had no idea who they were. Many times I would be so embarrassed because some loud-mouth person who call me out in front of people or make a comment to my mom about how quiet I was or what was wrong with me because I wasn't talking. I have VERY vivid memories of these comments and how these comments only sent me deeper into my own thoughts. I also remember thinking that these loud-mouths probably didn't want to know what I was thinking at those moments! As I got older the comments really bothered me because I wished that I was more outgoing. I wished that I wasn't so quiet or have the anxiety that came with social settings. When I was a senior in high school we had a family friend at the house. This lady is so funny and nice, but she is anything but quiet. She is actually very loud and laughs all the time (not a slam, just a fact). Everyone was talking and laughing and I was at the end of the table doing my homework. I remember answering a few questions when asked, but really not involved in the conversations. In the middle of her telling a story she stopped and looked at me and I just knew what was coming. Some insulting comment about how shy I was. To my surprise the lady says kind of laughing, "People should be worried about how much you know about everybody and everything. You listen and take every thing in around you. People think you are not listening. People think you are shy and quiet, but I think you are smart and wise. You listen and take everything in. You are observant and have great insight on things." I was floored! I was also relieved that for the first time I felt someone got me. It was the first time that I felt it was okay to be an introvert. As I got older I started to come up with witty comments when someone said something about how quiet and I was or couldn't believe how different I was from my brother and sister. My favorite answer to teachers or others who knew my siblings, "Have you met my brother and sister? I was never able to get a word in with these two around." I guess what would really be annoying is when someone would make these comments when I thought I was holding my own or just eating my hamburger and didn't realize I was supposed to talking :).
Becoming a teacher helped me overcome many social anxieties. I am so passionate about kids and teaching that it was not an issue. I have learned so much how to work around those anxieties that surround social events and the comments about my "quietness" do not come as often. When Jeremy and I were working with the youth group at our church I apologized all the time to my girls that I as not the "fun" youth pastor's wife. I don't do crazy skits or activities. I refused to play the "Just Dance" game. The terror that fills me to think of doing something silly in front of people is real. A few weeks ago I did have a lady say to me, " I need to get to know you. You are just so quiet and shy! I need to get you to talk more." Well, since you seem to already know me to make that assumption, I don't want to talk to you. At least, that is what I wanted to say. It is hard for me in ministry because obviously meeting people and talking and getting to know people is a crucial part in building relationships :). Here are a few things that are assumed about me and most introverts and some that are actually true of me.
1. I am not shy and hate being around people.
I LOVE people and I have a desire to know people's story. I care deeply about people. I do hate large crowds, though. Especially being short I go into a panic when I am in a crowd. I would not consider myself shy. I don't feel shy. Being reserved and quiet doesn't necessarily mean I am a shy person. I . will say that not working this year is a concern for me that I will fall back into some of these struggles. Working I was around people and had to work through some of these social anxieties. I am fine with not interacting with people every day and that might be a problem :).
2. I don't mind silence.
True. If I am with you and there is no conversation going on it is not because I am mad or not enjoying our company, I just don't have anything to say and I am okay with that. I have learned to try and make conversation so the other person doesn't feel weird sitting in silence. Some times this leads to me talking too much and that's exhausting. When we meet new people I always have to ask Jeremy if I was too quiet or did I talk to much. It really is a struggle in my mind and I know I way over think everything! Also, don't take it personally. There are times that Jeremy and I go somewhere or our family is taking a trip and I might say 10 words.
3, Words are important to me.
Continuing with number 2. I don't like idle words. I don't like when people complain, curse, gossip, or spend all their words talking about themselves. Words are powerful and should be guarded. I guess I mention this because I need people to know that what I say to people is genuine and thought out. I will not give advice on a whim or confront someone without thinking through what I am going to say. If I come to you or call you to talk, please listen, because I really have something to talk about.
4. I don't like to hang around or just hang out.
I know that mind sound rude, but it is true. You know when church is about to dismiss and the pastor says, " Everyone stay around and fellowship for a while." That is not cool for the introvert. My first thought is, "But I said everything I needed to say before church." It is not because I don't love being with God's people, it's just an awkward none thought out time. If there is a meal or activity or any kind of direction I am okay, but not just hanging around. I have a hard time with the concept of hanging out. When people say, "Hey, let's hang out this week" or "I am having a get together this weekend, come by if you have time." I need clear plans, several days in advance. I need someone to say, "Let's hang out Tuesday night from 4-7."
5. I am a great listener.
If you can get past the awkwardness of my quietness and really get to know me, I will be the truest of friends. I am a great listener and will truly be loyal friend. The trouble with the trait is that I am such good listeners that I forget to share my own victories and struggles.
Well, for someone who doesn't talk much I sure can fill up a blog post! I am not sure if there is any benefit to this post. Maybe just an opportunity to share my own struggle. But maybe if you are an introvert like myself it will be an encouragement that there are other people that have this struggle. Maybe if you are the one that thinks you are helping by pointing out our quietness that you will think the next time you point that out to us. Maybe someone can learn from us introverts that sometimes it is okay and welcomed to just be quiet.
For most of my life I have been labeled "quiet". I guess growing up nobody used the word "introvert", so I was viewed as this shy, quiet girl who didn't like to talk. I heard it from family (outside of my immediate family), family friends, church members, teachers, and sometimes people who were at the same gathering as me but I had no idea who they were. Many times I would be so embarrassed because some loud-mouth person who call me out in front of people or make a comment to my mom about how quiet I was or what was wrong with me because I wasn't talking. I have VERY vivid memories of these comments and how these comments only sent me deeper into my own thoughts. I also remember thinking that these loud-mouths probably didn't want to know what I was thinking at those moments! As I got older the comments really bothered me because I wished that I was more outgoing. I wished that I wasn't so quiet or have the anxiety that came with social settings. When I was a senior in high school we had a family friend at the house. This lady is so funny and nice, but she is anything but quiet. She is actually very loud and laughs all the time (not a slam, just a fact). Everyone was talking and laughing and I was at the end of the table doing my homework. I remember answering a few questions when asked, but really not involved in the conversations. In the middle of her telling a story she stopped and looked at me and I just knew what was coming. Some insulting comment about how shy I was. To my surprise the lady says kind of laughing, "People should be worried about how much you know about everybody and everything. You listen and take every thing in around you. People think you are not listening. People think you are shy and quiet, but I think you are smart and wise. You listen and take everything in. You are observant and have great insight on things." I was floored! I was also relieved that for the first time I felt someone got me. It was the first time that I felt it was okay to be an introvert. As I got older I started to come up with witty comments when someone said something about how quiet and I was or couldn't believe how different I was from my brother and sister. My favorite answer to teachers or others who knew my siblings, "Have you met my brother and sister? I was never able to get a word in with these two around." I guess what would really be annoying is when someone would make these comments when I thought I was holding my own or just eating my hamburger and didn't realize I was supposed to talking :).
Becoming a teacher helped me overcome many social anxieties. I am so passionate about kids and teaching that it was not an issue. I have learned so much how to work around those anxieties that surround social events and the comments about my "quietness" do not come as often. When Jeremy and I were working with the youth group at our church I apologized all the time to my girls that I as not the "fun" youth pastor's wife. I don't do crazy skits or activities. I refused to play the "Just Dance" game. The terror that fills me to think of doing something silly in front of people is real. A few weeks ago I did have a lady say to me, " I need to get to know you. You are just so quiet and shy! I need to get you to talk more." Well, since you seem to already know me to make that assumption, I don't want to talk to you. At least, that is what I wanted to say. It is hard for me in ministry because obviously meeting people and talking and getting to know people is a crucial part in building relationships :). Here are a few things that are assumed about me and most introverts and some that are actually true of me.
1. I am not shy and hate being around people.
I LOVE people and I have a desire to know people's story. I care deeply about people. I do hate large crowds, though. Especially being short I go into a panic when I am in a crowd. I would not consider myself shy. I don't feel shy. Being reserved and quiet doesn't necessarily mean I am a shy person. I . will say that not working this year is a concern for me that I will fall back into some of these struggles. Working I was around people and had to work through some of these social anxieties. I am fine with not interacting with people every day and that might be a problem :).
2. I don't mind silence.
True. If I am with you and there is no conversation going on it is not because I am mad or not enjoying our company, I just don't have anything to say and I am okay with that. I have learned to try and make conversation so the other person doesn't feel weird sitting in silence. Some times this leads to me talking too much and that's exhausting. When we meet new people I always have to ask Jeremy if I was too quiet or did I talk to much. It really is a struggle in my mind and I know I way over think everything! Also, don't take it personally. There are times that Jeremy and I go somewhere or our family is taking a trip and I might say 10 words.
3, Words are important to me.
Continuing with number 2. I don't like idle words. I don't like when people complain, curse, gossip, or spend all their words talking about themselves. Words are powerful and should be guarded. I guess I mention this because I need people to know that what I say to people is genuine and thought out. I will not give advice on a whim or confront someone without thinking through what I am going to say. If I come to you or call you to talk, please listen, because I really have something to talk about.
4. I don't like to hang around or just hang out.
I know that mind sound rude, but it is true. You know when church is about to dismiss and the pastor says, " Everyone stay around and fellowship for a while." That is not cool for the introvert. My first thought is, "But I said everything I needed to say before church." It is not because I don't love being with God's people, it's just an awkward none thought out time. If there is a meal or activity or any kind of direction I am okay, but not just hanging around. I have a hard time with the concept of hanging out. When people say, "Hey, let's hang out this week" or "I am having a get together this weekend, come by if you have time." I need clear plans, several days in advance. I need someone to say, "Let's hang out Tuesday night from 4-7."
5. I am a great listener.
If you can get past the awkwardness of my quietness and really get to know me, I will be the truest of friends. I am a great listener and will truly be loyal friend. The trouble with the trait is that I am such good listeners that I forget to share my own victories and struggles.
Well, for someone who doesn't talk much I sure can fill up a blog post! I am not sure if there is any benefit to this post. Maybe just an opportunity to share my own struggle. But maybe if you are an introvert like myself it will be an encouragement that there are other people that have this struggle. Maybe if you are the one that thinks you are helping by pointing out our quietness that you will think the next time you point that out to us. Maybe someone can learn from us introverts that sometimes it is okay and welcomed to just be quiet.
Kim, when I first met you, I thought, "She is one of the most kind and genuine people I've ever met."
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm an extrovert, but I don't like it when churches do "turn around and shake your neighbor's hand". Um...no. If I want to talk to these people, I will. A 30 second handshake sessions isn't going to determine how "welcomed" I feel at a church. :)