Thursday, October 9, 2014
My journey with infertility really started about 13 years ago. I would of never dreamed how this journey would unfold, but 13 years ago we knew there was a potential for this struggle. I spent two years in and out of doctor's offices trying to "get my body back on track." Eleven years ago the diagnosis came in that I had endometrial cancer and went through 11 months of treatments hoping to reverse the cancer cells. 10 years ago I had a complete hysterectomy and my new reality began. During my years of treatments and cancer nobody really talked about the pain and struggle of infertility. In fact, I had been going to the doctor almost a year before I even told my family that there were some problems that might lead to me never conceiving. There were not blog posts and articles at the click of a button and the whole thing is so personal that I had nobody to talk to about this struggle.
Over the past 7-8 years I have talked to more people about infertility than I can count. I have spent time sharing my journey and listening to the journeys of family, friends, and even complete strangers. I get an email at least once a month from a friend asking if their friend or family member can contact me to share their struggle. I am not complaining or saying I don't want to talk about it because I truly believe it is part of my responsibility to be an encouragement when I can to those who are hurting. Over these past 7-8 years MANY of these woman eventually became pregnant and now have a sweet family. Over the past 6 months there have been several woman that have either become pregnant for the first time or after many, many years of trying have become pregnant with their second child. With any infertile woman the news of pregnancy of someone else is a blow to the heart. I am truly happy and sad all at the same time. It takes a few days of tears and working through some deep rooted hurt before I move on. A few months ago something hit me that maybe has not really sunk in the past 10 years. I have talked and listened to so many woman dealing with infertility, but the truth is I am not infertile, I am barren.
Barren= noun. Not able to produce children or offspring.
adj. Bleak and lifeless
Unlike all these woman I have talked with about this issue, my day will never come. There will never be that miracle of a surprise pregnancy. Nothing can be done to "help" me get pregnant. Nothing can ever be taken from my body to produce my own flesh and blood child. The problem with barrenness is that this bleak and lifeless feeling in the hollow place that used to house your reproductive parts has a dangerous effect of growing into you heart and mind and your very soul. You are trying to keep bitterness and jealously and anger at bay and then you see on TV or FB that so and so is pregnant and you know that they are living in direct disobedience to the things of God and you cry at night wondering why they get to live your dream. "They" get blessed with the ONE thing you always wanted. The ONE thing you spent your life training for and dreaming about. I get this really dangerous attitude and I know that I have to get in the Word! I have to find that strength and comfort from what God has to say about the plans for my life. But then as I get in the Word I am reminded of all the women of the Bible, Sarah, Hannah, Rebbecca, Rachel, Elizabeth, and countless others, and I usually look at their stories as a source of hope and comfort but then I realize that God eventually "opened their womb" and they got exactly what they begged God for. You read about these woman who took things into their own hands and went around God and He still blessed them with a child. I am sure there were many woman who never gave birth to their own child but I have been looking in Scripture trying to find that woman and read the part that she lived her life happily ever after with no pain and struggle concerning infertility. In 2 Samuel 6:23 it says, "And Michal, the daughter is Saul, had no child to the day of her death." That's it. No mention of emotional healing or how she worked through that issue. So I once again struggle with the stories of these woman in the Bible and the woman in my life and I weep thinking, "Why are all these woman different from my story?" "Why did/do they get blessed with a child?" **I would like to interject that this post does not lessen or dilute the love I have for my kids. These struggles are the same for those woman who have given birth to a child and now struggle with not being able to conceive the 2nd child. The emptiness and pain is real and a issue that is a part of our human make-up.***
Last night I was reading Psalm 113 in my devotions. Last night God's Word revealed His promise to me. God's Word gave me the verse in the Bible that directly relates to my life and my journey. I wept and reread the verse over and over again. The beginning verses are very familiar to me so I am not sure why I never read to the end of the chapter. Even as I post these verses again the tears flow at this promise. Barrenness will always be a part of my life and who I am, but despite my barrenness He has made me a joyous mother.
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Over the past 7-8 years I have talked to more people about infertility than I can count. I have spent time sharing my journey and listening to the journeys of family, friends, and even complete strangers. I get an email at least once a month from a friend asking if their friend or family member can contact me to share their struggle. I am not complaining or saying I don't want to talk about it because I truly believe it is part of my responsibility to be an encouragement when I can to those who are hurting. Over these past 7-8 years MANY of these woman eventually became pregnant and now have a sweet family. Over the past 6 months there have been several woman that have either become pregnant for the first time or after many, many years of trying have become pregnant with their second child. With any infertile woman the news of pregnancy of someone else is a blow to the heart. I am truly happy and sad all at the same time. It takes a few days of tears and working through some deep rooted hurt before I move on. A few months ago something hit me that maybe has not really sunk in the past 10 years. I have talked and listened to so many woman dealing with infertility, but the truth is I am not infertile, I am barren.
Barren= noun. Not able to produce children or offspring.
adj. Bleak and lifeless
Unlike all these woman I have talked with about this issue, my day will never come. There will never be that miracle of a surprise pregnancy. Nothing can be done to "help" me get pregnant. Nothing can ever be taken from my body to produce my own flesh and blood child. The problem with barrenness is that this bleak and lifeless feeling in the hollow place that used to house your reproductive parts has a dangerous effect of growing into you heart and mind and your very soul. You are trying to keep bitterness and jealously and anger at bay and then you see on TV or FB that so and so is pregnant and you know that they are living in direct disobedience to the things of God and you cry at night wondering why they get to live your dream. "They" get blessed with the ONE thing you always wanted. The ONE thing you spent your life training for and dreaming about. I get this really dangerous attitude and I know that I have to get in the Word! I have to find that strength and comfort from what God has to say about the plans for my life. But then as I get in the Word I am reminded of all the women of the Bible, Sarah, Hannah, Rebbecca, Rachel, Elizabeth, and countless others, and I usually look at their stories as a source of hope and comfort but then I realize that God eventually "opened their womb" and they got exactly what they begged God for. You read about these woman who took things into their own hands and went around God and He still blessed them with a child. I am sure there were many woman who never gave birth to their own child but I have been looking in Scripture trying to find that woman and read the part that she lived her life happily ever after with no pain and struggle concerning infertility. In 2 Samuel 6:23 it says, "And Michal, the daughter is Saul, had no child to the day of her death." That's it. No mention of emotional healing or how she worked through that issue. So I once again struggle with the stories of these woman in the Bible and the woman in my life and I weep thinking, "Why are all these woman different from my story?" "Why did/do they get blessed with a child?" **I would like to interject that this post does not lessen or dilute the love I have for my kids. These struggles are the same for those woman who have given birth to a child and now struggle with not being able to conceive the 2nd child. The emptiness and pain is real and a issue that is a part of our human make-up.***
Last night I was reading Psalm 113 in my devotions. Last night God's Word revealed His promise to me. God's Word gave me the verse in the Bible that directly relates to my life and my journey. I wept and reread the verse over and over again. The beginning verses are very familiar to me so I am not sure why I never read to the end of the chapter. Even as I post these verses again the tears flow at this promise. Barrenness will always be a part of my life and who I am, but despite my barrenness He has made me a joyous mother.
Who Is like the Lord Our God?
113 Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!
2 Blessed be the name of the Lord
from this time forth and forevermore!
3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!
from this time forth and forevermore!
3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!
4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,
6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,
8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!
and his glory above the heavens!
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,
6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,
8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!
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| Samuel and a friend after track practice (He really isn't choking him) :) |
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